Attachment is ... How is psychological attachment formed? Affection or love?

People can not live without a sense of belonging to the life of another person. We all need to feel loved and needed. Everyone wants to be cared for, showed sincere attention. Attachment is one of the forms of manifestation of love. Everyone knows that a sense of well-being is born from the unconscious need to be someone necessary.

In this article, the origins of attachment are considered. Perhaps, this material will help someone to understand difficult relationships with a spouse, child, parents and make the right decision.

Definition of concept

Attachment is the need for the love of another person. How often do we not just begin to expect such manifestations of feelings in our direction, but even take offense, get angry when attention is not focused on our person. These are fears of an insecure person who does not know his value. Attachment to man, in fact, reflects our own attitude towards ourselves and life in general. It is noticed that the more a person loves himself, the less he feels the need for other people. That is, strong attachment is always a synonym for personal unhappiness, uncertainty about one's own strengths and capabilities.

How is this feeling formed?

The origins of any manifestations of trouble should always be sought in childhood. If an adult suffers excessively without being present in the life of a spouse or child, is afraid of separating from the parents, this means that there is some problem. Perhaps when he was a child, his parents did not give him enough attention. And now he is trying to compensate for this lack of love, trying to be necessary for everyone who can: the second half, his own child. But such an omission can not be corrected over time: everything needs to be done on time, and to love too. It is very important to go through all the stages of love gradually, so that you do not confuse the relationship, not add unnecessary grievances and misunderstandings.

Painful concentration on someone hinders development, formation of prospects for the future, hinders personal growth. Attachment to a person sometimes infringes on one's own interests, makes one seek ways to preserve relations. It is not necessary to "excessively" "boil", it is necessary to have some personal space: to live on your own and let another build your destiny at your own discretion.

Bowlby's attachment theory

The British scientist has identified 4 types of predisposition to the development of the inability to live without another person. John Bowlby mainly considered the relationship of the mother with the child, but this model makes sense to consider and in the light of the interaction of adults with each other. The first kind of attachment he called safe. Its essence consists in the following: in the attitudes reasonable borders between the adult and requirements of the child are reached. The parent does not infringe on the personality of his child, allows him to fully grow, get the necessary knowledge. I must say, this type of attachment is the most constructive of all, since it does not hinder development, it does not make you suffer.

An anxious-avoiding line of behavior demonstrates the child's dependence on the parent, forms deep feelings in the event of separation from him, the inability to even be alone for a short time. Emotional attachment is very strong. Because the parent shows little emotion, the child is afraid to express out loudly his own feelings, a fear of intimacy arises. Having become older, such children experience considerable difficulties in building personal and friendly relations, because they constantly feel that they are not interesting to others, which leads to doubts about their importance.

A dual-resisting attitude is manifested by a great fear of the unknown. The person himself puts obstacles in the path of self-knowledge and self-improvement. Uncertainty and shyness are the result of upbringing in childhood, when parents did not recognize the child's explicit merit, did not praise him for his courage, so he became extremely shy.

Disorganizationally controlled position includes all of the above manifestations and is characterized by inconsistency of actions, frequent mistakes, non-recognition of its value, fear, obsessive states. Bowlby's attachment theory demonstrates the origin of such a phenomenon as painful psychological dependence on another person. Such relationships always destroy feelings.

Affection or love?

When does love become addiction? Where is the line separating true relations from those that make a person act as a beggar? Understand this issue is not as simple as it might seem at first glance.

The most difficult of all are human relationships. Attachments, whatever they are, sometimes bring severe suffering.

A lover constantly needs a partner assuring him of his boundless love, showing endless tenderness and fidelity. If this does not happen, doubts start, suspicions, unfounded accusations, jealousy. This happens only because a person is extremely unsure of himself and somewhere in the depths of his soul doubts that he can be loved at all. True feeling is free from demands, arrogant conversations and fear. Love wants to give itself, to manifest itself in the infinite care of a loved one and does not require anything in return.

How to recognize unhealthy relationships?

Painful attachment is always a limited self-perception. People think that they do not like them, but in fact they themselves do not show interest in themselves, they do not use opportunities that could benefit them, bring them to a new level of development. A person experiencing a state of acute attachment does not value himself as a person. That's why he needs another to compensate for his own drama in this love.

It turns out a vicious circle. Often the phrase "I can not live without you" is used. In this case, you always want to ask: "How did you live before meeting your loved one? Have you been vegetated, hungry and cold? " Even if you owe something to a specific person, you must learn to live on your own so that you do not feel yourself being led all your life.

Negative consequences

We have already figured out how excessive attachment can interfere with personal growth. Negative phenomena like self-doubt and low self-esteem are mandatory consequences. And what is the result? The personality is lost in the flow of its own fears, and at some point it simply becomes impossible for it to go forward. And it all begins with dislike for yourself. If a person is able to think about his own well-being, engage in self-education, then his life changes for the better.

How to overcome unrequited love?

Such a fate, most often, is comprehended by those who have not learned to value their own personality. It's like these people are given a test, as a result of which they must find their lost individuality, learn to understand what is important to them.

Many unfortunate lovers are interested in how to get rid of attachment, which brings only suffering? The councils here will not help, it is necessary to go through a comprehensive pain, literally tearing the heart in half. When the tears dry up, people come to the realization that they did not really love, but they thought so, because life without this drama had nothing to fill. All you need to do is find yourself a new sense of existence.

Why is it important to love yourself?

Adequate perception of one's own personality is the key to success in any endeavor. Self-love gives many advantages and, above all, a powerful inner core. Then, no matter what happens, a person will know that any problems are being solved, there is no global catastrophe that could not be corrected. Personality only then becomes truly free, when able to take responsibility for everything that happens to it.

Thus, a painful attachment to other people is not at all an indicator of strong love for them, but a consequence of a serious shortcoming, an omission in the formation of one's own personality. To live happily, you need to be independent, to gain inner freedom. And only then does it become possible to fall in love for real.