Self Esteem: How to Avoid Fear Do not Like

I want to tell one case. I received a letter.

R. writes: "Today I had a date. First. He's very handsome. Physically well built. He works as a bodyguard. I really liked him.

And then everything went wrong. I felt a strong tension. As soon as I look into his eyes, I immediately lose the thread of conversation, my head is drawn into my shoulders, my shoulders are straining, and my mouth is filling with saliva. And his eyes are rushing from side to side. I can not do anything with myself. Fear kept the whole body together. Fear because I do not like him. I can not even say where he came from. Has come and all! First in the form of sensation, and then he turned into knowledge, into confidence! As if someone very big and very clever gave me to understand that I am worse than this young man. And that the young man knows it too. And this knowledge that I am worse than him, came to me not in words, but somehow still. But I understood him very well. Even there was no doubt. I was "told" that I am unworthy of him. That I am not equal to him. He's better than me.

And most importantly, I can not do anything. How hypnotized. You know, the hypnotist says: "You're a log." And you lie on two chairs, the back of the head on one, the heels on the other. You are a log! Not for fun, but really! And there's nothing you can do. Before the hypnotist hypnotizes you ...

In general, I failed to meet ... More he did not call, and we did not meet ...

I came home in dismay and despair. I began to think ... I'm no worse! Not at all! I am young (I'm 25 years old) and beautiful. Tall and slender. With a mop of red curly hair. Red diploma of the Moscow Pedagogical Institute. I'm dancing rock and roll. I sit on the cross twine! From my girlfriends no one is sitting on it ... I'm not in the least worse !! Who told me at the time of the meeting that I was worse? And why did I agree with this?

I remembered Cinderella. When she arrived at the ball at the palace and danced with the Prince, she had neither fear nor embarrassment. There was a huge difference between her and the prince in education, upbringing, social status. At the same time, she also deceived the Prince, in terms of exposing herself not as she really is. But she did not fail to see her dates, but on the contrary ... "

What is this case about? About self-esteem.

The structure of the overall self-assessment is complex, it is a combination of many parameters and includes the need for self-esteem. High self-esteem is an awareness of one's own worth and significance. It's own competence, self-confidence, independence.

In the case described above, the girl did not feel respect for her personality at the time of the meeting. Her own personality, from her point of view, had no value and therefore was devalued. The girl was not at all sure of herself, dependent on the opinion of the young man. The thought that he would not like it, led her into despair. Self-esteem was very low.

However, when R. came home, self-esteem began to increase. How can it be?

The fact is that self-esteem is not a constant. The structure of the overall self-assessment is determined by the hierarchy of private self-assessments.

Self-esteem has a two-level education. One level consists of a set of specific-situational self-assessments, and the second is formed as a level of stable, generalized, global self-esteem. When the meeting was going on, the specific situational self-esteem was sharply understated. When the girl returned home, the level of her self-esteem increased. This is clearly seen from her story.

Why at the moment of the meeting, self-esteem sharply went down. Most likely, because that young man by some parameters reminded her of a significant person for her from her childhood. (This is indicated by the bodily sensations described above). Fear not to like, in other words, it is the fear of being rejected. Fear does not get love. It comes from childhood. When parents do not fulfill their promises regarding the child, ignore his requests, do not give him love, etc., the child is worried, feels rejected and unprotected, feels that he is not loved. The child grows up, becomes an adult, and the fear of being rejected and not getting love remains ...

When the girl returned home, the image of a significant person before her eyes was gone, so she was able to return to "here and now" and to comprehend what had happened. Her self-esteem increased.

How to maintain self-esteem at the proper level?

1. See your own value and significance. For example, to compile a list of their merits, as R. did very rightly, after returning home.
2. Admit to yourself that you need care, attention and love.
3. Recall the cases from childhood that led to this kind of fear. Most likely, the parents had their own problems, overshadowed and removed at that time a child from them. And then the parents simply forgot to return to unfulfilled requests, ignored desires and unfulfilled expectations. Or maybe just talk with the child, sorry, I was not smart enough. Psychology is not studied! And they were very young. They loved as they could.

I also want to dwell on the fact that the experience gained by a girl from this meeting is very valuable. The world-famous psychotherapist Victor Frankl speaks about the values of situational and eternal. Situational - these are the values that bring with them specific situations and which are always unique. They happen only once in a lifetime. And that's why a situational value a person can get only once in a lifetime. If it is lost, it is lost forever. It will not play again.

For example, the girl had plans for tonight: to do a massage, to which she enrolled a week ago. And suddenly! A young man from her institute group invites to a date. Here it is a situational value. Happens! If the girl postpones the trip to the masseur and accepts an invitation to a date, this will mean that she took advantage of the situation, which will be her situational value. And if she does not accept the invitation, then the value will be lost. FOREVER. Such a situation in her life will never be!

That is why in our own lives we need to realize all the opportunities that will bring with them unique and unique values.