Assertiveness is ... The principle of personal responsibility. General psychology

Dependence on the opinions of people prevents to live a full and bright life. Hardly anyone will like it if outsiders dictate to him how to act, what decisions to make, what to wear, what to eat, how to look and so on. But it happens that involuntarily we every day put our freedom of choice of the danger to be restrained. How can you remain a full-fledged free person while not violating the rights and freedoms of others?

There is the concept of "assertiveness" in psychology, it very accurately describes the correct behavior of an adult, self-confident personality. To begin with, assertiveness is a style of behavior, a quality of character that allows a person without aggressiveness to defend the boundaries of his personality and defend his goals and interests, while showing tolerance and respect for his opponent. What manifestations of character and behavior are characteristic of assertive people?

Absence of aggression

First of all, a person who possesses this quality of character does not show aggression.
It is important to note that to manifest and feel is different things. There are people who are able to control their emotions well so that they are not visible in appearance. But the external expression on the face does not say that inside the person there is no storm. Assertive people both externally and internally will feel at ease.

Adequate perception of oneself and others

This characteristic also indicates the existence of assertiveness in a person. When a confident, non-aggressive person responds to various provocations from others, he does not make the most demands on the opponent, as he does not relieve him of responsibility for an unpleasant conversation, and tells him about it. Along with this attitude to the interlocutor, the person himself refers adequately to his role in the conversation - in no case takes all responsibility for unpleasant moments on himself, and also does not remove from himself completely.

Constant awareness of behavior

This characteristic includes acceptance and awareness of the mistakes made and the absence of conflict. Assertiveness is the correct assessment of the person's actions. The main thing here is the awareness of the time spent and the effectiveness of their actions. Proceeding from this, the assertive person can abandon the planned plan, even if the opinion about it is spoiled by others.

Conflict or assertiveness?

Assertiveness in psychology is understood as the absence of conflict. You can immediately say that this does not happen, if there is no conflict, then there is no defense of one's opinion. Unfortunately, many people think that their interests and rights can be defended only through conflict. Then we need to turn to the concept of "conflict". This is an acute and emotional contradiction, a clash of opposing interests, goals and opinions. In this definition it is important to see that a clash, called a conflict, is necessarily emotional, acute and affective. These three characteristics completely contradict the main features of assertiveness: awareness of behavior, lack of aggression and an adequate assessment of participants in the communication and the situation as a whole. You can say that you remain an assertive person until you are involved in the conflict. Naturally, the behavior described above is given to some with great difficulty, here there should be not only personal responsibility, but also correct education from childhood.

Assertiveness is the ability to say "no" in time

Very often we face such situations when it is necessary to say to the person "no", but we can not do this for various reasons, and then we ourselves suffer from it. To learn to respect yourself, your values, defend your interests, it is important to be able to give up something in time. Assertiveness is the ability to say "no." For example, the situation: you stand in a full bus, with a bag in one hand, with the other hand hold on to the handrail. The conductor from one end of the minibus asks you to transfer money for the passengers traveling at the other end. You have the right not to transfer this money, firstly, because your hands are busy and you may fall on the turn; secondly, you would not want to get your hands dirty on other people's money. If you refuse to defend your interests in this situation, you will become bad for the passengers and the conductor, and still transferring money, you will remain with a feeling of dissatisfaction and trampled interests. What to do? You decide!

The rules, how to say "no"

1. First of all, you need to be brief. If you start explaining the reason in detail, it will be like an excuse.
2. It is important to show respect to the interlocutor. You can praise or support, not charging yourself with a burden of responsibility for the actions of a person.
3. Sometimes you just need to say no. We often fear this word, thinking that we will lose the favor of a person. But the firm "no" is much better and more understandable than the sluggish "I do not know."
4. You have to be honest. You have the right to any decision, because you are wasting your time. There is no need to invent excuses.
5. Hardness. If a persistent interlocutor is caught and he wants to persuade you to solve your problem, you must firmly repeat the "no" several times.
6. Lack of guilt. It is not necessary to say that you are uncomfortable or you regret your refusal. If you are unable to raise a lump, why should you apologize to it? So with the responsibility incurred.
7. Take care of yourself. First of all you need to think about your spiritual and spiritual state. If you say "yes" - means to trample down your aspirations and interests, then you need to take the opposite position. It is not about sacrifice. Sometimes, for the sake of our loved ones, we sacrifice something important for ourselves. Here, the issue of priorities, personal responsibility comes to the fore.

What kind of person is he?

In order to have the principle of personal responsibility as a priority in one's behavior, one must understand that there is another side to the coin-non-assertive behavior. It can be characterized as excessive softness, perhaps laziness, conformality - extreme dependence on others. Consider the situations in which this behavior may occur:

- a person takes a passive position in a conversation in a group of people;

- allows you to make decisions for it;

- there is a constant withdrawal from responsibility for seemingly valid reasons;

- afraid to start friendly relations, because he does not want to waste effort;

- there is a low self-esteem - a person considers himself weaker and worse than others;

- Avoiding the attention of others;

- slowness in behavior, based on avoidance of problems and responsibilities;

- externally agrees with others, not taking into account their own feelings and desires;

- afraid of causing inconvenience to another, and hurting himself.

A person with such behavior in the depths of his soul is very tormented, since his choice often contradicts inner aspirations. In his life, the so-called negative cycle begins. What does it mean? When an unassertive person receives an understated evaluation from a significant person, he starts from within himself to "eat up", suffer from doubts about his abilities, behavior, success in life, and reduces responsibility for himself. As a consequence, he as it were renounces himself, begins to live a double life: on the one hand, he still has desires and interests, on the other hand, he can not express and protect them. All this can lead to unnatural relationships with people, the lack of true friendship. Assertiveness is the effective interaction of people without omissions and guesses.

How do you know if you are an assertive person?

The problem of studying self-reliance, achieving success, assertiveness is the division of the science of the soul-general psychology. To determine this quality in character, you can pass a small test for assertiveness, consult a specialist or watch your behavior in everyday life. By the way, in psychological science, observation or self-observation (introspection) are of great importance, since they give a considerable amount of information about the observed object. Therefore, it is important to keep track of how you say "no", whether you are showing aggression to your interlocutor, whether it is difficult for you to assert your rights calmly, without conflicts, and so on. The best way to see yourself from the outside is the opinion of a loved one about your behavior.

What gives us the principle of responsibility for our behavior?

For the full development of the personality it is important to be an assertive person. After all, what is inherent in us by nature or God, parents, we keep throughout life, achieving success and recognizing defeat without feelings of guilt or a formed low self-esteem. Acting on the principles of assertive behavior, we will achieve goals, reach heights and have effective interpersonal relations.