Ignoring is one of the oldest kinds of emotional violence. The point of view of psychologists

Ignoring is one of the most common ways to protect a psychological level from a person or circumstances, as well as a way to punish another person. Often there is an expression: "Ignoring is one of the oldest kinds of emotional violence". Let's talk about this in more detail.

What does "ignoring" mean?

First of all, ignoring is (in psychology) avoidance. A person realizes the presence of unpleasant effects, but decides not to pay attention to it. He remembers the troubles, realizes their presence, and simply tries to do so that in any case not to intersect with factors that can deliver information on the ignored occasion. It can happen intentionally: the girl "does not notice" the guy who has bothered with the courtships or something in this sort. But there are situations where a person unconsciously moves away from the problem.

The best painless option, or ignoring is one of the oldest types of emotional abuse?

There are options where ignoring can help in life situations, and when it acts in an absolutely opposite direction. Do not focus on small everyday problems that can not lead to serious consequences. Remember that disregard is a kind of emotional abuse if the child has stained clothes on the street. What is more important to you - your little man or some rag of rag?

The appropriateness of ignoring

For example, her mother-in-law responded roughly to the question of the daughter-in-law. It is worth considering whether this is a typical behavior or a person is tired, was irritated and did not control his behavior. If the latter, then why focus on this and respond to aggression aggression. It would be more reasonable to miss rudeness by ear. But if this is the norm for the aforementioned mother-in-law and she deliberately leads to a conflict, then there is a problematic situation that needs to be solved for the possibility of normal communication. Serious problems are strongly discouraged. Avoiding them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means that they will remain and eventually become superfluous, even more clogging facts.

The same mother-in-law, for some reason dissatisfied with the daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness, include other members of the family circle in the conflict, until the forces of the daughter-in-law come to naught. As a result - a grand scandal or, worse, a quiet withering of the daughter-in-law due to fear of frank conversation and solving the problem with the mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems can be banal fear: fear of failure, fear of losing time and money for solving problems.

Ignore Matrix

Kin Mellor and Erik Zygmund once developed a matrix definition scheme for the degree and object of ignoring. Three different criteria are considered: level, area, type.

The levels of ignoring in this case are considered four. It:

- availability of opportunity (a person ignores the availability of solutions to the problem as a whole);

- its importance (understanding of the existence of a solution, but an early denial of its effectiveness);

- change of opportunities (understanding of the existence of a solution, but early refusal to apply it);

- personal abilities (impossibility of executing a possible solution due to personal unacceptable attitude to this method).

There are three areas of ignoring: "I", other people, the situation.

Types of ignoring are an incentive, an opportunity and a challenge.

For these three criteria, a matrix is obtained:

Using this matrix, it is possible to discover at what level the problem is ignored, and to influence the person accordingly, in order to encourage the search for a solution to the problem. Search for "hearth" should begin with the upper row, the leftmost cell, and then go down the diagonal.

Ignoring is emotional abuse

How did you come to this conclusion? Often, people deliberately ignore each other in order to punish their inattention. For a guy who is guilty, there will be a painfully indifferent attitude to his attempts at reconciliation on the part of the girl. The chief can apply the same tactics to the subordinate, who has committed an oversight in the work, ignoring his attempts to rehabilitate himself. Thus, a person who is ignored can eventually feel like an empty place or become pissed off if you do not stop avoiding it on time. Think carefully before you punish your neighbor in this way: will not this make things worse for you, including you. Ignoring is one of the oldest kinds of emotional violence, while the benefits from it are rarely greater than harm. Any difficult situation must be solved: by talking or collecting information, by using other persons - by any means, but not idle. An adequate analysis of the situation will make it clear whether ignoring is worth using, one of the oldest types of emotional violence, or using more subtle methods that do not cause psycho-emotional harm to a person. Let's consider several situations by which you can understand where ignoring is applicable.

"Ignore" - useful when ...

Man is too stupid. Yes, you did not retreat, you decided to act, bring reasonable arguments, explanations, but the opponent simply does not understand them. You fight over the problem a day, a week, a month, leading up all the old and new facts, but there is no result. Is it worth it to spend even more time and energy, or better to stand out?

Man is inadequate. If you delve into the essence of delirium, pouring from the mouth of your opponent, it will only clog your own brain and spoil your mood. The grandmother, who was attached to the young man in a fixed-route taxi with stories that he looks unseemly, and the verbal fountain about how it was "in my time", can be ignored. Not having received a response to her fervent speeches, she will lose interest. In a free society, anyone has the right to look like he himself wants. Wants guy torn jeans - let him wear, even though he wears a skirt. It's his choice.

The problem is unimportant, and sharpening the attention on it can lead to a negative result. The child used a "bad" word. The first time it should be ignored, because after not seeing any reaction from the parents, the child may simply lose interest in this word. But if this happens all the time, it is necessary to solve the problem by quiet conversation with the use of different methods, according to the age of the child.

Do not overdo it. Everywhere is important measure

Ignoring is the oldest kind of emotional violence, but it's not worth bringing to its even older "brother" - indifference. You can get so carried away by keeping away from problems that you really will not care. For example, the constant ignoring of the father's home problems - at first because of fatigue, and then out of habit, but they already do not care, "let her understand the wife." Yes, others can find a solution for themselves, and not the fact that it will satisfy you. But you will not care.